I've disappointed myself a lot lately... I've been concerned with things that don't matter. My new friend Josh has posted about this, too. I find myself losing passion for the things of God, screwing up, repenting, and repeating. I, like many others, am sick of messing up and of other folks messing up. And sometimes my heart breaks as it should for sin, but many times, I find myself slipping into apathy. That's what really kills - not the sin itself, but the apathy to do anything about it, although that itself is a sin as well. And it scares me.
How do I get to the place where I just don't care to spend time with God, to be with Him, to read the Bible, to live a life that I know is full, rich, and free?
Why do I constantly lose heart in my running the Race for Christ?
How do I come to drop my guard against sin to the point where it not only invades my body, but also anesthetizes me against its further invasion and destruction?
"Oh wretched man that I am, who will free me from..." the apathy I have for God and His work? I see a firey desire for Jesus in those around me that I don't have most of the time... That's what I'm waiting for now - the Passion to continue - to live as a man of God and not as a child of this world - to run the Race. Hard.
Declared, Bannered
Anathallo
"I could not look Him in the face,
so I stood revarnishing the floor with my eyes.
He stared into them with this love so offended and profound.
He tore the center of my shirt
and red was bleeding through
from underneath the white clothes that I wore.
The fire of devotion was only an ember.
Alarmed at this sign of decay,
my legs gave out
because there was no self left to stand on.
Thus, my heart was grieved, vexed in my mind,
still Your banner over me was love.
My walls are ever before You,
still Your banner over me is love.
But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal.
But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal....
Oh wretched worm of a man that I am,
on Thy kind arms I fall.
I'm just a man.
I'm just a criminal."
---
Jesus, thank you for showing Your Love to me, even when I have no passion for You. Thank you for calling me Your beloved. Grant me a Zeal for You - for Your words, for Your people, and for those who are without You.
Goodnight.
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3 comments:
You're good!
Arron: you left a comment on my blog asking about some of my old essays. The link you're looking for is http://addictionis.org/ Hope this helps.
I have been struggling with the same thing for the past year or so. I find myself falling into sin and not being able to find the strength to call for God's help or hand to help lift me out. It's a helpless and frustrating feeling...
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